What I Learned from a Loyalty Test on My (Ex)Husband

Would he or wouldn't he? Should I or shouldn't I? These were the questions running through my mind when I stumbled upon a review of Loyalty-Test.com in the New York Times. I read through the article and found myself nodding along. My jaw dropped open. Women and men were paying 'testers' to, well, test their partners' loyalty (lol). The testers reach out to their prey through social media, sometimes even setting up in-person meetings, then take screenshots or photos as evidence. Voila. Busted.

Did I really think my husband would cheat, or even flirt? And if so, did I want to trap him? Part of me felt this was too dishonest, but the rest of me wanted to know. If I did this, there was no going back. Was I really someone who'd set up a trap to catch a cheating partner? My husband, let's call him Jim, had been acting off, weird, lately. At night, as we binged our latest obsession, I'd catch him on his phone. He always appeared to be texting, but when I asked, he'd claim he was simply playing a game. A game? This was new. Add in all the times I'd walked into his home office, and he'd hurriedly minimized his computer screen and you had a seriously suspicious situation.

After deliberating back and forth for days, arguing the ethics with myself, trying to rationalize all the screen minimizations, all the furious clandestine texting (or gaming, whatever), reader, I did it. I signed up for a loyalty test.

Setting the Trap: How it's Done

Once I decided to pull the trigger, the process was pretty simple. I signed up, then I was able to actually choose the tester I wanted to flirt with my husband. This made me feel like the process would be, I don't know, realistic? Let's say I didn't get to choose, and they sent someone who wasn't his type to flirt with him, and he had no response, it wouldn't prove anything. This way, well, let's just say I know my husband's type.

Once I chose her, I was prompted to choose a package. I chose social media messaging, because this seemed simple and straightforward. Either he failed or he passed and I'd have the screenshots to prove it. After I chose a package, I communicated with the tester, providing her with his social media handles. You could also provide her with details such as how you'd like her to approach your significant other, but to be honest, I felt flirting would be simple enough to give me an answer. No notes from me.

Of course, I talk a big game, but I wasn't prepared for what happened next.

The Results: Did He Pass the Loyalty Test?

Unfortunately, my husband failed the test and it took no time at all. My tester sent my husband a DM on Instagram to see if he would respond. Her first message was simple. As soon as she told me her plan, I knew he'd respond. He's a dog guy, and very proud of our pups. So proud, all of his social media profile photos are with them, not me. So all she wrote was "heyyy cutie, your dog is adorable!" and he replied within hours, as I knew he would. Unfortunately, his response ended with heart emojis. Not great. At first, though, their conversation was innocent—aside from those heart emojis. They messaged back and forth about dogs, but then he asked for her Snapchat. Snapchat? I didn't even know my husband had a Snapchat account! Talk about unearthing secrets. After the Snapchat convo, he proposed meeting up- for a lot more then talking if I may add (dont really want to get into the details).

But that was it. The end of the test. She was able to screenshot, block him, and report back to me. He'd failed. Had I won? I don't know. All I knew was I had to confront him and confront the very possible end of my marriage.

Prepare for the Emotional Toll

I had to really steel myself for the emotional toll this was about to take on me. Before I confronted my husband, I spoke to a close girlfriend. She pointed out there had been no actual infidelity, just an emotional affair. She asked me if I felt this was in the same ballpark as 'actual' cheating. Wasn't it, though? Either way, he'd considered it. He'd not only chatted with this woman but asked her to meet. I'm pretty sure he wasn't planning to advise her on the best dog breeds for her lifestyle (although, to be fair, he would, if asked).

Finally, though, I sat him down and showed him what I'd done, and what I knew he'd done. Of course he was angry, defensive, but someone once told me you never have to be defensive if you're in the right. And he was very defensive. He felt I'd 'spied' on him, as if I was the one in the wrong here, but I'd expected this response. And while, yes, I did feel guilty, like I said at the beginning, I struggled with even clicking 'select', I still felt the ends justified the means.

There was shouting, there were tears, there was bargaining, promises, but in the end, I decided I couldn't trust him anymore, and really, could he trust me? Would he always be wondering if the DM he'd just received was from his wife's spy? Or would he simply set up a second profile, one I didn't know about? See? I was already assuming the worst of him. No good could come of us staying together. My mind wouldn't let me get past this.

We're now in the process of divorcing. Luckily, there are no kids, just dogs to fight for custody over (joint, thank you). They were actually the hardest part of all this. While I am in no way happy this loyalty test proved what I feared, it did provide me with closure. I no longer had to wonder what he was doing on his phone. No longer had to worry what was on those minimized screens.

The Ethics of Loyalty Tests: Right or Wrong?

There are moments I still feel horrible. I ask myself if this was really me, wonder how we got here. Lying to someone never feels good, and when it's your partner, well, you feel lower than low, even though I knew it was the only way to find out.

I'm sure some of you will believe setting a trap isn't fair, you'll argue it's an invasion of privacy. And if you feel that way, don't do it. I weighed the pros and cons, the knowing versus not knowing, and came down on the side of knowing.

Someone asked me what I would have done if he'd passed. Would I have told him I'd tested him? The answer? Hell no! He never would have understood. But I would have happily paid the fee and considered it money well spent. I could have gone on with my marriage with no more worries. Instead, I got a harsh reality check.

Should You Test Your Partner's Loyalty?

I'm not here to tell you what to do, but I can say this was the impetus I needed to validate my worries. I had an inkling something wasn't right, and the loyalty test proved I was right. If you're in the same position, I recommend it. Definitely weigh the pros and cons for yourself, though. Decide whether you can handle the results, whatever they may be.

Meet Ari, My Loyalty Tester

If you're considering a loyalty test, I worked with Ari from Brooklyn, who was super responsive and sweet. She specializes in Instagram DM loyalty tests and she provided me with clear screenshots of all the screenshots I needed.

29 • Brooklyn, NYPart-Time TesterSpecializes in Instagram DM loyalty tests

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